Stay for a while

Hi yall it’s me I wanted to explain something to you all instead of the first time I told you all what happened to me, the whole big thing about the abuse I’m going to have to travel back in time to around 1984 I was around 6 yrs old that year and I can remember I couldn’t wait to start kindergarten goodness I would see that yellow school bus come rolling down the road and boy that was sure a big exciting thing to see for a little girl my age.I can remember Pryor to 1986 around 1985 or so before school my mom and a man I called my dad lived together and I can remember how much I loved him so much he was so nice to me but when I would get into trouble he would pull my paints down to my naked butt and spank me with a belt.There was this one time he ran my bath water in my bath tub and he reached down while I was nude in the tub and he touched my private and then kinda laughed and asked me what’s that.This is a memory that I haven’t ever forgotten as a little girl.It bothered me so badly it stayed with me for all these years.Soon after that all I knew was that this man was my daddy and one night my mother told him to leave I remember crying being very upset not knowing why she made him just up and leave so quickly.I remember being a sad little girl.As time went on I found out He had done a horrible thing, I can’t mention anyone’s names for legal purposes he also done something horrible to a child, When my mom found out she was done. Later on I started school and I was the only kid out of the whole kindergarten class to be paddled by my teacher for leaving my class room and she could not find me because I was roaming the school, i had that one coming I was a curious little girl, at nap time I had one little boy kissing me and I kissed him back.He did try to touch me but I pretty much stopped him with no even that young.After my kindergarten year my first grade year was even worse I had a horrible teacher she called me names like big mouth and she paddled me alot for talking.I felt like a looser in 1st grade I felt like nobody liked me and I stayed sad alot.By the time 2nd and 3rd grades rolled around I was so miserable I remember in 3rd grade our house burned and all of my things were destroyed, I had just stopped trying in class my teacher wasn’t nice to me and the kids were mean.i got bullied by a older girl and made fun of called stinky because at 10 yrs old I had started having a cycle so I growed body hair and I would sweat really badly I smelled but momma never taught me what deodorant was at that time.We were living in a motel room a good ways from the school and I missed school as well.I can also remember something that hurt me as a child when I was around 8 yrs old my great granddaddy passed away and he was bed ridden I remember seeing his frail body and seeing death on his face.He was a very gentle and kind man I had a wonderful memory of him buying me an ice cream when I was little from a bee sting on my toe.I Really loved him and his funeral was very hard on me so young.Getting back to 3rd grade I failed and my second year around I started acting out I started having stomach problems feeling like I was going to vomit all the time and my mom never believed me.I wouldn’t get on the school bus because I was afraid that another child would throw up and make me want to throw up so my anxiety was so bad I would refuse to the point she would drag me kicking and screaming to the bus.She started taking me by car some I wouldn’t go into the lunch room so they would sat me with the special education teacher in her classroom and then I got tested for learning disabilities. I will be honest I didn’t even read the test I just went through marking because I figured I would have a place to stay so I wouldn’t have to be around the other kids.I was having serious learning issues because I had fallen behind but the teachers never cared enough to figure it out.While I was friendless and miserable at school my mom met a man and he was a drunk but he told her if you marry me I will stop drinking for you.She married him and not long after he beat her up while us kids were gone.We saw her black eye I remember being so angry at him, she was pregnant at the time and she told us she lost the child later on we would find out abortion.Im going to stop there catch up in morning.

My child suffered

I can remember a time where all my daughter and I was doing was setting on our couch and my the husband/abuser walked into the room and out of no where he started yelling at me about stealing my great grand mothers scanner from her home.we had stayed at her home for a brief time in 1996.He thought I had told on him, I didn’t have to because my family knew he did it.Anyways he pulled me up off the couch by the hair of the head and began to kick me with steal toe boots on and my baby daughter at that time around 20 months old.She was screaming and hollering mommy please no mommy all I could do was cry and scream.When the beating stop I called his mother to come and get her from me.my child is 19 yrs old now with a little one around her age then and she doesn’t remember what happened but I do.Then she was distraught those are the memories that stay with me the most..

Don’t Feel Sorry For Me

I know most of my posts are kinda grim and most are about just some of what I went through and never deserved any of it Noone deserves abuse not even an animal.My biggest worry is that people see what I went through and say omg I feel so sorry for her, bless her heart.Well I don’t want pitty I just want to be taken serious as an artist writing from me to you I really want to write you a book about my life but I’m stuck, this phone blogging gets rough but I’m making it ok.I want to help other ladies like myself who have been there in the abuse maybe there still in the abuse and need out.If you need help or a friend I am here.

Started out

To be truthful I started out just writing down some of the horrible things that happened to me during 3 years of brutal abuse by the hands of a deranged man.It will always be a part of my life and one day I will find a good ghost writer and tell my whole story in the proper way because I can’t tell it like it should be told and so much happened and it’s gotta be told organically by a great and powerful writer and I think after everything I’ve been through I deserve to have my story written and published. So for the people who read this just know this, there’s more about me then from the start of these blogs.I am a very good hearted and genuine person and I’ve always wanted to be strong and brave and I finally am.Please give me your opinions and comments.

Real Funny

I used to tell people I don’t care about what others think I mean really why should I care this is my life and if they don’t like who I am then oh well…I was so full of crap really common girl you know good and full well you care.To some point or let me say this, all people care about what people think even bad behavior gets you attention right, most famous people get more famous by being brave, bold,bad, or just nuts right.To a regular person or people from small towns ,where there dirty laundry better stay in the hamper until you wash those things.unless you get an education, get elected for something at town hall or your a cop.you have to be something real big,or your bad in small towns.Its just the way life is around the small rural places.If you tell someone your a writer unless your published big time you aren’t writing your playing.Life and who you are shouldn’t be a contest because no matter what happens someone ,somewhere is going to feel a certain way about you, my advice is well you will figure it out.

Who’s really paying attention

Well I’ve often wondered if some of you are really paying attention.We turn on the news it’s mostly dreadful things and we so O my goodness I will say prayers for them if your a Christian or if you believe in God you say those things but if you just believe in light and evolution you say I’m just so sorry something tragic has happened once again a pitty.Then we go back to doing what we were doing in life for instance car pooling the kids to soccer practice or carrying your self to work or just doing whatever it is that works or fits in your everyday routine.I wonder if your paying attention to people in 100 degree weather holding signs up saying I’m homeless or can you Spare some change, or for anyone struggling with mental health issues in this world.your probably not unless you are a good hearted human being.I once saw a man setting in a restaurant I had went in to buy food for my family, this was way before I had gotten sick I was working a job.Anyways I saw this man and he looked really sad and his hair wasn’t combed he’s clothes were like rags and my brother stood beside me while I had pointed him out quietly I said you know what I don’t have much money but I really want to give him some money. So I did I gave him 5 dollars now I know it wasn’t much but it made me feel good in my heart.My eyes noticed I try and pay attention.Dont get it twisted I’m no saint, but it was a day I did pay attention. It doesn’t take much to be kind and pay attention.

Writing my blues away

Whenever I get down I take to my phone.I really wished I had a computer but My phone will do.These past 3 years I’ve been down sick and unable to work a job it’s really made me look at the times I worked a job and how I took it for granted that I could just go to a job no worries but in the real thick of it all I was swallowing my feelings down and hiding my pain.I was truly dieing inside and nobody knew it I don’t even think I knew it myself.I did realize that I wasn’t near as sharp in my
30s as I was in my 20s but I was in such denial all those yrs.Its a struggle now every single day just to wake up.I have no medical insurance and I don’t breathe well at all at night I stay up for fear of not waking up.I know that sounds horrible well it is horrible.Im just a poor girl living off of food assistance and my husbands ssi that is gone on the 1st of every month so yea the struggle is real.I guess some people may say I have it made cause I’m not homeless and I have food sometimes.Its just living poorly hurts expecially when alot of your mental illness was caused by DV.Sometimes I will sat and get real real sad about my life but then I look at what I do have and I try and look at others worse off than I am.I had to have help buying me a pair of flip flops because my feet swell I couldn’t even buy a pair of shoes for myself. I’m unable to pay for my meds every month or my doctor visits.I have to pray someone will help me that month like I’m a bum and up until now I never had to do without so badly or ask people for help it hurts my pride.i tried to sale Tshirts last year to help buy my meds and help get me to the doctor but people judge you so harshly.I really wanted to raise enough money to not only help myself and my family but to help women struggling after the abuse.I pray for miracles everyday and if your reading this blog thank u so much for taking an interest in this Ole country girls life.Enough of my financial wows now.I am pressing on until the next blog.

Suffering with PTSD

imagine being inside a room with a million people screaming at you and you can’t get them to shut up!!!Well that’s exactly what my PTSD is like.I can’t handle alot of noise it bothers me to the point of getting enraged with anger.I can’t handle criticism from anyone expecially if someone gets rude with me in public I will confront them angry and upset.I snap, I just went through an incident where I literally yelled at a waffle house cook because she showed me or my daughter no respect and was showing us attitude.If I feel threatened in any way I will show aggression and I think it’s all got to do with being hit and verbally attacked. I get so defensive and mad over the smallest things.I constantly have been attacked so horribly I lost who I was in those moments. Walmart is like walking into Hell for me in my mind everyone is looking at me in disgust and I can hear everything.The Grocery store is the same way.I can’t drive anymore because I get so scared of wreaking or I get to anxious to.I have to take anxiety medication before I can go into the public or drive or anything. 

It’s been a while

It’s really been a while..I feel overwhelming PTSD slipping up on me.I have anger that comes from me in just seconds.I can’t stand loud noise I think it reminds my brain of the difficult time when I was backed into the wall while my abuser screamed in My face.I remember begging him for mercy, please please don’t kill me and I would ask the question why why are you doing this to me.He really never answered the question. He would just be yelling and hitting me.I can remember how bad it hurt the pain was so bad I thought he’d just kill me at times.The head butts he’d do to me would stun me until I saw stars.I suffered so hard if only people knew.its been a while I’m glad that part is over but the aftermath is horrible.

#confused #igotlovethough

I am so confused about my life and whats next in line or in store for me.I really wanna get out and help others but i feel like there are not any doors opening and its so hard to get people to take you serious when your not a person of high class.However i do get confused i know that i am not alone and i have support from people who love me,Love and compassion are both in my life.My soul is full of love and my heart is to,what a wonderful feeling.The high class thing doesn’t matter anymore not when there is so much love,and happiness in your heart all of the material things seem so small.I for one am grateful i am alive and to see this beautiful earth.The skys,nature all around us isn’t that just amazing.I love green grass and the smell of fresh cut grass is the best,i love the smell of flowers..Oh and the smell of roses wow how wonderful and that is wonderfully confusing even if we dont understand everything in life we can understand life is precious and wonderful regardless of the confusion.